Balance

There has been a lot of buzz this weekend from an article in the New York Times examining the work environment at Amazon. I have been lucky enough to spend the last 12 years of my career at an organization that excels without having to treat is people like a commodity, nor playing against their desire to experience life outside of the work that they do. The culture of an organization is directed from the top. The article portrays Jeff Bezos as a man driven to succeed, using analytics ruthlessly in his pursuit of excellence. Managers at Amazon, taking the lead from that example, are said to be ruthless in their drive, brutal with their feedback and uncaring about the personal lives of those who work for them. (As an aside, Forbes columnist George Anders posted a more nuanced interpretation of Mr. Bezos' history.)

For the last 6 years, I have been responsible for leading a team of people at my company. It is very tempting to employ a win at all costs attitude, especially as a new manager who was very successful as an individual on the team you are now managing. Early in my career as a manager I had very little empathy for the work life balance of my team, or even of my own for that matter. We all want to be leading the world into new frontiers, however it is just as important to be leading our family and enjoying the time we have here on earth.

As I've matured as a manager, I've found that by allowing people the freedom to experience the moments they want to experience with their family I've inspired them to put in the extra effort to cover those times. By allowing a young father to attend his daughters Kindergarten holiday concert or to rush home and help his son with a sprained ankle, they will then repay that with loyalty and effort beyond what could have been accomplished in that little time used for personal time.

Our company has a saying, "Work is not a place you go, it is a thing that you do." I think that's an interesting distinction, but I prefer a slightly altered version.  Your work is not who you are, it is a thing that you do. I've come to realize that life is about experiences, not things.  Whether those things be what you earn or what you create on the job, they are not our purpose for being here. We are meant to love, to experience beauty, to share our lives with those who are important to us. So when I read this story about Amazon, I appreciate their ability to provide me with a ball pump delivered to my house in 48 hours because that ball pump allowed me to play volleyball in the driveway with my daughter.  I feel badly for the person who missed out on those experiences to build that very platform.

Everything is Everything

Like many people, I like to ponder the meaning of life. Why are we here?  What is it all about? This post is certainly not going to answer those questions, but I want to get down some of my thoughts on approaching that question.

Today I was listening to Marc Maron's podcast and his guest was Jason Segel. Their discussion was very interesting as Mr. Segel proved himself to be a bit deeper than what you'd expect from a comedic actor. In fact, he made it a point to mention that he had never aspired to be a comedic actor at all, but just found that he was good at it and went with it. He struggled with the concept that he wasn't doing any "worthwhile" work, until he was approached by people who told him stories about his TV show helping them through difficult periods of their life.

This discussion led to him talking about difficult periods in his life and the thought that even when things are going really well, there are times when a man isn't satisfied. Interestingly enough, Mr. Segel's most recent movie addresses that very topic. He plays David Foster Wallace during a time in his life where everything is seemingly going as well as he could imagine, but sitting in that moment Wallace was not satisfied.

We all go through these moments where we wonder why we are where we are. You set goals for yourself to achieve, to succeed. But if the meaning behind those goals isn't solid, then the achievement is hollow.  You work hard to build a career, to get a promotion, to move up the ladder. What happens when you are up the ladder? The essence of a person is not their achievement, but the kind of person that they create while achieving. 

Unfortunately, many of us don't make that connection until we've already spent a lot of effort towards the hollow goal. That doesn't mean the time has been wasted, but it forces us to put a perspective on how that formed our self. Self is more than achievement. Self is the sum of the parts that include that achievement.  Self is how you define what is worthwhile.

I think often about who I am and who I'd like to be. I don't know if that picture is fully formed just yet, but its certainly a lot more clear than it was twenty years ago when I was making critical decisions that started me on the path I am on today. 

Windows 10 First Impressions

I have been a Mac user for the last three years.  I should probably say that I've been a very happy Mac user for the last three years. Before that time I'd always been a Windows user.  Of course, I had Windows machines at home and at work during that time as well.  Like many people, I was very disappointed with the changes in Windows 8, so most of my secondary machines were running Windows 7. I'm certainly not one of those to say "Oh how I missed the start menu, please bring it back!" but I found the Metro screens difficult to work with and counter intuitive.

During the last couple of weeks I've reached the end of the 3 year warranty on my MacBook, so I brought it into Apple to get a few little issues fixed before it expired. While I've had a few issues with the MacBook, Apple has always done an excellent job of fixing them quickly.  This time the laptop needed to be sent out for service so I was without it for a couple of days.  I took advantage of that time to install Windows 10 on a spare laptop and test it out. My initial impressions are very positive. The interface feels much more intuitive than the previous instances. The graphics are beautiful, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on things because I'm not using a touch screen.

Now, I am going to wait a few weeks before I order my next laptop. Some of my Apple guru buddies are hearing rumors of a MacBook Pro refresh next month, so I'll wait to see if that happens. I most likely will not be switching back to Windows, but I'll be much happier if I'm forced to use Windows 10 in certain situations.

I'm going to go through an update install tonight and use it sporadically for the next couple of days, then I'll share my thoughts.

New beginnings

Its been a while, but here I am.  Life goes on but I haven't been writing about it. This will be a new beginning. The plan is to write everyday, though it may not be posted here everyday. My wife and I also have a blog at 2losers.com which I'll be using too. Here and there and maybe another place or two, but writing every day.

Consistency and the creation of habits have always worked for me. Unfortunately most of the time they have worked in a negative direction. Though if you read this blog back, you'll see that it can work positively as well. I'm working on developing that consistency and create a habit out of writing. Once that habit is formed, I'll work to focus that on something productive. Hopefully along the way I'll learn a few things and share them with anyone who happens to read this blog.

So here is the beginning of the new beginning.

Letting the Fat Guy Beat You

Unfortunately, I've let more than just my blog lapse in the last year. After all the hard work that I put in, losing weight and gaining fitness to run a half marathon, I fell into a slovenly pattern of laziness and poor eating. I can spout a lot of excuses about stress and moving house, but at the end of the day there is no excuse. I let the fat guy beat me.

Its hard to process the feelings that have been running through my mind recently.  There is a lot of negativity and disgust. There is also a lot of fear. I imagine this is what an alcoholic or a drug addict feels when they relapse, because in effect that's what I've done.  I've relapsed into my bad habits. Eleven months ago I ran 13.1 miles; now I'm getting winded walking up two flights of stairs.

There is only one way out of this. One day at a time. Accountability has never been my strong suit. I know how to get things done, but even after doing them for over 18 months I was still susceptible to the same pitfalls that led me down unhealthy roads in the past. I'm not going to dwell too deeply on those today, as the wounds are still very sore. But today I'm reaffirming my will to overcome them.

I've been working up to this moment for a while now. Its not like I've ever actually given up on being healthy. In my mind I've kept making plans, setting goals for myself for some race in the future. I even started a hash tag on twitter called #teamreboot. When the time came though, I never took the actions to achieve, I stayed in my lazy little box. Several times I took the first steps, but didn't follow through on steps two through... well, through infinity. That's the point. There need not be an end. There needs to be a change in lifestyle.

So today I've stepped up again and tried another start. In the spirit of true honesty, this was inspired by some dark feelings. I have a group of friends who are running marathons today at Disney World. These were people who started focusing on running because they saw what I was accomplishing. I'm super proud of the work they've done, but seeing them achieve this goal made me look at myself with disgust. Instead of wallowing in those feelings, I am using this as a catalyst. Today I started Couch to 5K again. If I think about how far I've been, it hurts to be where I am, but I also know that I've done this before so a lot of the uncertainty is gone. There are going to be battles ahead, some that I will win and some that I will lose. I will take each one as it comes and strive to move forward in a more positive direction. The fat guy may have won this time, but I've beaten him before and I will conquer him for good.

My First Half Marathon Race Report

Its hard to start this report with anything other than ... Wow! I set an esoteric goal for myself to do something I thought was impossible by my 40th birthday. I started running and then this goal just formed itself into this wonderful opportunity to run a half marathon just 6 days after my 40th. The timing, the location, everything worked out and all I needed to do was put in the effort and get it done. What an effort it was. As I sit here now, two days later sipping a margarita, my mind is torn between two opposing thoughts. The first, just overwhelmed with the fact that I was able to pull this off. The second, yearning to do it again!

Lets start with a recap of the events and then I'll try to put my deeper thoughts into words. My in-laws and my own mother live in Palm Beach County Florida and this race, the A1A Publix Marathon and Half Marathon in Ft. Lauderdale on President's weekend gave me a great opportunity to bring the children down for a visit and have some support at the race without too much disruption of their schedule. The kids were off of school Friday and Monday, so we added one extra day to drive down to Florida on Thursday. I was able to take a few days off from work as well and the plan was laid. We drove down to Florida on Thursday and we'd return Monday. I reserved a hotel room in Ft. Lauderdale on Saturday night for my wife and I to stay, leaving the girls with the in-laws so I didn't have much to worry about Sunday morning but to run.

We clean up pretty well I think.

We made great time driving down on Thursday, ran some errands on Friday and spent time with my wife's family. My mother in law planned a surprise birthday party for my father in law on Friday night as his 70th is next month. He was caught completely by surprise and everyone had a great time.

On Saturday my wife and I headed down to Ft. Lauderdale and checked into our hotel. I think this spot might have been one of the hottest on the strip in 1967, however it hadn't been updated since then. That's what I get for choosing the cheapest hotel I could find in the area of the race, but we wouldn't need it for that long. Plus, it did have a really cool dockside restaurant. We got checked in, enjoyed some conch fritters and coconut shrimp overlooking the gorgeous yachts come and go and waited for a friend to show up to take us to the expo.

This was my first real race expo and it was pretty cool. We picked up our race packets which were loaded with free stuff and then walked around to browse all the vendors. My wife bought me a magnet for my car, but I wouldn't touch it until the next day. No reason to jinx myself! We had a lot of fun checking out all of the things you can buy to run with, and all of the silly gadgets they were trying to sell, from sleep juice to magnets. Then we went off to meet a couple of more friends for dinner. Had a great dinner with some fantastic friends and returned to the hotel to hit the hay by 9. I slept pretty well, considering, only getting up twice during the night. Of course, the alarm went of at 3:45.

What's a beach race without a sand castle?

Now, the hotel might have been a dump, but it was super convenient. Not only was it right across the street from the race finish, but the shuttle busses to the start were parked not more than 100 ft. from my hotel room door. I got up and dressed and was out the door at 4:30 and onto the first shuttle to the start. My wife opened her eyes long enough to take a quick picture of me before I headed out the door.

Now, you'd think because this race was in Florida that it would be warm. Of course not! This was the coldest day of the year, with the temperature at the start only 45. I didn't mind the cold so much, but there was a lot of wind coming off the ocean. I decided to wear my jacket and check it at the start, which in the end was a good idea because I needed it.

I got on the bus and found a couple of co-workers who were also running so we headed out together. Because my company is headquartered in Ft. Lauderdale, there were a number of people I work with who were running. I wore my company shirt too and it got me some recognition along the way.

As we waited in the cold for the start, I was anxious but not nervous. Most of the fears that I'd thought I might have had for race day morning just weren't there. I'd hydrated all week and my body felt good. I had 4 packs of hammer gel and I ate my honey stinger waffle about an hour before the start. I talked a lot with my friend about starting slowly and made it a point to continually remind myself that I'm going to be passed a lot in the early miles and that I shouldn't worry about it.

Finally the time came and we headed into the start corral. It was packed! More so than any race I'd been to, even the Peachtree. I made my way towards the back, but I stayed with my friends. I just kept thinking to myself that this is my race, not to worry about what anyone else was doing. It took us 4 minutes from the gun to make our way to the start line. I hit go on my Garmin and started running.

Instantly my friends (even the slower ones) were off in front of me. I made no effort to try to keep up, just settling into my pace. I tried to relax and just let my body warm up and settle into a pace. My plan was to keep the first few miles above 13 minutes and then see how my body felt. I was going a little quick in the first half mile, but I settled myself and just let it flow. I hit the first mile at 13:15 and wasn't even breathing heavy yet. I chatted with some of the people around me as we made our way towards the beach. The sun wasn't up yet and it was chilly, but we weren't hit by the wind that we'd find as we got to the shore. There were a lot of run/walkers around, so I was passing and being passed and just generally trying to maintain.

Around mile 2.5 we hit the only significant hill of the day, a bridge over the intercoastal waterway onto the barrier island where we'd run the rest of the race. As I got to the top of the bridge I felt really strong and at that point I knew that today was going to be ok. I used the downhill to let my momentum carry me and sped up past a lot of the folks I'd been pacing with the first couple of miles.

Slow and steady was the name of the game for me. We headed north on A1A and around mile 4 headed into a park that was just beautiful. The ocean was on one side and then we looped across to the intra coastal, with yachts and beautiful homes lining the race course. Water stops on the course were plentiful and I grabbed a cup at each one, never drinking a lot but just enough to keep me from feeling dry. The hydrating I did all week really paid off for me. We exited the park around mile 6 and I realized that I was almost half way done!

The wind really picked up at we continued north along the beach. It was a headwind from the right. At this point the faster folks were coming back from the turnaround and I always enjoy watching them run by. I saw the fastest of my co workers and gave him a shout. I was really pretty cold at this point but was buoyed by the thought that we'd have a tailwind on the way back. We hit the turn around at mile 9 and I was struck thinking about how good I felt. I picked up the pace a little bit, but then backed off a bit, remembering some of my earlier long runs when I felt the same way and then crapped out before the end.

The sun was up now and the wind was at my back. I passed mile 10 and started to really think about the finish. At this point I started passing some of the people who were fading a bit. At mile 11 I took my third gel and my mind was doing flips. I hadn't hit any of the landmines that could trip me up and I realized now that this was it. 2 miles and nothing was going to stop me.

I passed mile 12 and I started to get emotional, the smile on my face wide and goofy. Tears started to well up and I started to run faster. Every time that I felt like crying I just ran faster because I figured if I was breathing too hard I wouldn't cry. Would you believe I ran the 13th mile in 11:38?!? My legs were burning, my lungs were gasping, my heart was pounding but I was happier than I could imagine. Just past mile 13 as we were heading into the chute my wife was there screaming for me. I smiled and waved and started to break down.

I crossed the line, stopped my Garmin and started to sob. But it didn't sound like sobbing, more like a seal barking and I thought I was hyperventilating. I quickly gained my composure and was handed a medal. I grabbed a bottle of water out of a bucket and looked up to see a group of my friends standing there cheering me on. They hugged me and slapped my back. Then my wife came up and I nearly collapsed in her arms, except that I was soaking wet and it was freezing!

If you've read my earlier posts, you knew that I had very little expectations about my time. I'd hoped that I could finish around 2:45 but I'd fully expected to be closer to 3 hours. When I checked my Garmin, it said 2:46. I was ecstatic with that time. My official chip time was 2:46:49. More importantly for me, I'd run the entire way, save for a few yards at each water station where I drank some water or ate a gel. I never wanted to take a break. I pushed myself hard to the very end and I dont' think I could have gone faster in this body. At the end of the day, what more could I have asked for?

Now, a couple of days removed, I still can't think of much that I would do differently. The day went as well as I possibly could have hoped. For my first half marathon, I couldn't be happier. When my wife handed me my phone after the race, I was even more overwhelmed by the messages of support waiting from Twitter, Facebook and texts. Friends and strangers, fast and slow all wished me well and congratulated me on my accomplishment. I proudly wore my medal for the rest of the day and I'm already thinking about what the next challenge is going to be.

I know this post has gotten kind of long, so I'll just wrap up with a brief thank you, to everyone who's read these posts, who's sent me wishes and who have laced up and run themselves. This has been one crazy gratifying journey for reasons well beyond the personal accomplishment and I assure you, its only the beginning.

Things I Love About Running

Last spring I became aware of an event on Twitter called #runchat. Its an hour long moderated Twitter chat where a great community of people answer questions posed by the moderators, share thoughts, encouragement and laughs. Since most of my Twitter followers are from #runchat, I'll assume that many of you already know that. 

The group of people that I've met through runchat have been some of the most supportive and knowledgable I've met. From back of packers like me to folks who run ultras and even running luminaries like Bart Yasso. To me, runchat has become a place to recharge and share my love of running with people who aren't going to roll their eyes and say "oh there he goes on about running again."

This week in honor of Valentine's Day, the runchat blog is hosting a contest and I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring by listing out the things I love about running. 

So here goes, a list of what I love about running

• I love that running is hard and that I continue to do it!
• I love that there is no coasting when running. You can never just stop working at let gravity or momentum take over. You must work to move.
• I love the quiet time, the time to process my thoughts, the time to appreciate the changing leaves, the mist rising over a field on a cold morning and to not think at all.
• I love the feeling of accomplishment I get after each and every run. 
• I love how my legs feel strong again, how hard my calves and thighs have become again.
• I love the self realization that comes during those tough runs, when you have to dig deeper than you thought you could, or even when you fail.
• I love the community of runners, the support and encouragement that even a slow guy like me gets from everyone.
• I love being addicted to something that is not destructive.  

Obvious to anyone who has read my blog, running has played a huge role in my recent transition and as I approach the milestone ahead of me next week, I have no intention of changing that role.

What I've Learned in Half Marathon Training

This past weekend marked two weeks until my half marathon and for the third week in the last four I ran a personal distance record. This time it was 12 miles. A run like that took me close to two hours and forty five minutes, which is a lot of time to think. At one point I started thinking about the journey I've made, how I struggled through my first 3 miles not too long ago, and what its taken for me to get where I am today. I leaned some lessons about myself and about running and I'd like to take a few minutes to share them here.

They say that the hardest steps on a run are the ones out the door. Through this whole process, I'd say about half of the time I had to play a mental game with myself to get going for my run in the morning. Sure, there were some days where I was excited to get out and run, but on other days I'd linger in bed trying to play "change the schedule" with myself. On most of those occasions (though I'll admit not all of them) I'd end up running and being glad that I did. I've never regretted going for a run, so the first lesson I learned was, do whatever you can to get your ass out the door and get started.

Now, just because they say that the steps out the door are the hardest, that doesn't mean they are the only hard steps. Not by a long shot. There were days when I felt like I could run forever, and days where I nearly broke down and just found myself walking for no other reason than I couldn't go on. Each time I had a bad run, my analytical side would look back and try to figure out what went wrong. Sometimes it was pacing too quickly, or eating poorly the night before, or not hydrating enough. But in all of these occasions, I had negative thoughts during the run. As I got into longer and longer runs, I began to notice that if my thoughts started straying into something negative, it invariably led to me feeling worse not too long away. And it didn't have to be negative thoughts about running either, but just negativity in general would trigger it. So I started forcing those out of my head with positivity. I'd think about something good and soon I'd be feeling better. That certainly became harder as the runs got longer, but I found it worked really well to predict when things are starting to get tough.

Just dreaming of the beach made me happy

Everyone has their own struggles. There are a lot of people who I would see every week out on the trail, running fast, putting in way more miles than me. You're tempted to think, "If only I could go like that, then it would be so great." But I'm not them and they aren't me. Running is not everything and it took me a long time to stop judging myself against other runners. I'm a slow runner, but I'm a man who is accomplishing something very difficult, whether I do it quickly or not. The strength of will that it takes to start a run when you know its going to take you close to three hours to finish it, when you know that thousands of people are going to be running ahead of you and very few will be running behind you, that strength has to come from a place that few people get to tap. I've learned that challenging myself and rising to that challenge is the best thing that I can ever do for myself. I've met a community of people who are supportive and understand this very thought. Your time doesn't matter. What matters is that you're putting in the time. You've made the decision to change something and you've put in the work to change it.

Half marathon training has opened my eyes to the possibility that even now, at age 40 (soon), I can still affect change in my life for the better. I've had a ton of ideas flow during the meditative time I spend running. This has shown me that its still not too late to accomplish anything.

The Runner I Am

I read a blog post today from RunLadyLike titled Be the Runner You Are, and it brought me back to some thought I had during my long run on Sunday. I haven't posted much about it here on my blog, but I'm in the final few weeks of my training for my upcoming half marathon. If you've followed me on other social media, you have seen some of the struggles and triumphs I've had over the last month or so. This is at once humbling and uplifting. I'm pushing my body to do things that I'd hardly imagined I could do, but at the same time being forced to accept my limitations.

Starting just before the new year I've been hitting distance records on most of my long runs. I did a 9 mile run and it felt magical, like I'd hit a sweet spot and really felt that the sky was the limit for my running. Then a week later when faced with my first 10 mile run, it was a disaster. After 7 miles I felt like I couldn't move another step. I walked and prodded my way to the end and instantly felt defeated. Then I thought more about what I'd done, posted about it on Twitter and got some tremendous encouragement from the community. My next 10 miler was a little better and last week's 11 miler felt even better. I can finally picture myself completing 13.1 and I finished that run really excited about crossing the finish line in just a few short weeks.

Here's the thing. I've always had a time goal in mind for my half. I know that the only goal should be finishing and all that talk, but I'd thought that I could keep a certain pace and make my goal of about 2:45. Its not a fast time by any means, but I would feel comfortable with it. While I was running my 11 miles on Sunday, I realized that the pace that makes it comfortable enough for me to go that distance without burning out is much slower than that. My pace will put me much closer to 3 hours. I struggled with that a bit when I first realized it. Man that's slow! But, its me. Its me moving my still quite heavy body 13.1 miles. Its me logging 88 miles for the month of January (after tomorrow's 5 miler). I'm a better runner than I was 18 months ago, 12 months ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago. From the beginning of my running journey I've said I want to build distance and then worry about speed. So why am I worried about how fast I do the longest distance I'll ever try? Uh, I don't know! I'm not!

The runner I am is one who fuels himself with positive thoughts. I will run 13.1 miles because I'm putting in the work to get my body ready to do it. There is a lot more that I need to get my body to do, including be less body, but that will all come with time and more positivity. For now, I am the runner I am, and that runner is going to move his 270 pound body 13.1 miles along the Ft. Lauderdale beach 6 days after his 40th birthday.

Thoughts on Lance and Doping revisited

The first post of any significance on this blog was triggered by the first threads unravelling on the blanket surrounding Lance Armstrong's then alleged doping. Last night,  much of the sporting world watched as he sat down with Oprah for a "no holds barred" interview during which he confessed to having doped during every one of his 7 Tour de France victories. As I sit here organizing my thoughts about what I say, the overwhelming emotion is disappointment. However its not disappointment in the actions Lance took through his career, its disappointment in how he is behaving today.

Long ago I came to the conclusion that Lance and many others had cheated. In my last blog entry on this topic I urged Lance and others to come clean about what they had done and let the narrative move forward. I certainly can't take any credit for it, but it was heartwarming when I saw how many actually had. Last night I was hoping to hear Lance stand up before the world, give a sincere apology and recount how it all happened and why. I did not. Instead I heard a man who only seems to regret going too far and getting caught. The only regret I heard was about giving a lame speech on the podium of his last Tour and coming back to the sport after his first retirement because "we would not be having this conversation if I hadn't."

I'm finding it hard to find a word to describe Lance's actions, though the word sociopath has been repeatedly used by his critics. Its hard not to agree. He openly stated that he doesn't feel like he was doing anything wrong at the time. Doping was a part of their preparation like filling up his tires with air or filling his bottles with water. I can understand the elaborate lies and aggressive behavior towards critics as a method to protect his story and control the narrative about his life. I can't understand doing all of that when you don't even think you're doing anything wrong. How can he not feel badly about behaving like a jerk?

Lance worked too hard during this interview to downplay his role as the leader of a team that required doping. He said that he was doing it, and he can understand how others would feel like they needed to be doing it if he was, but that there was never a culture of that stated you had to be doing it to be a part of the team. Oprah made a good point in stating that it was merely a semantic argument, but it shows the psychology of this man who is still fails to understand his influence over people and the responsibility that comes with that influence. If Lance was careful to never explicitly tell riders "you dope or you are dropped," that doesn't change the fact that it was the message that was delivered. When you look at the methods he used against people like Emma O'reilly and Frankie and Betsy Andreau, using his bully pulpit to demolish their reputations when all they did was tell the truth, its hard not to believe that he hadn't used those same tactics on the team internally.

In watching deposition tape where he is vehemently denying doping under oath, Lance described himself as an "arrogant prick." Watching last night's interview, I came away with the same feeling today.

Lauren Fleshman wrote a fantastic piece on her blog yesterday asking Lance to move on. I don't think that he deserves to be a professional athlete any more. I hope that Lance can fully repent. He still has influence and can continue the fantastic work he's done in giving cancer patients hope, in helping raise awareness of the disease and raising money towards its research. I hope that he gets good advice and learns to let the "myth" of Lance die. Its a false story and can only be rescued by full contrition to all that were crushed in its building.

Why Lie?

The news of Lance Armstrong's upcoming confession raises a lot of questions about the motivation of someone to deceive. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from Lance's actions and I'm sure we'll all be trying to unwind the various threads of the stories for years to come. Then late today the story of Manti Te'o broke and that got me thinking about deception and how deeply we can go to deceive others and to deceive ourselves. If you haven't heard the story yet, you can read the full article on Deadspin. In short, there were inspirational stories all through the football season about this player's girlfriend losing her fight to cancer and how devoted he was to her. A beautiful story about true love and perseverance. The problem is, the story is a lie.

Now I don't know whether Mr. Te'o was the victim of a cruel hoax or using this story to increase his fame. In the end though, both of these stories are examples of the distance to which men will travel to propagate deceit. There's no denying that Lance Armstrong did a lot of good things for a lot of people. He became a symbol of hope for those stricken with cancer. His story was inspirational and I can easily understand his justification in preventing that image from being darkened. What would happen to his foundation? What would happen to all of those people who were personally affected by his struggle? Would someone fighting the terrible disease give up their hope if Lance's image was shattered? Being faced with questions, its not a large leap to see that Lance would want to keep his image. 

But how do you resolve his deceit with the vehemence of his denials. He shouted to the world about the "witch hunt" of his accusers. He sued his critics in court, won and collected millions of dollars while insisting on his own trustworthiness. All the while, he knew he was lying and many of his closest advisors knew he was lying as well. Why?  I think George Costanza said it best.

There comes a point where you need to completely deceive yourself in order to deceive the world. How can a man knowingly lie to the world? Its easy once you've knowingly lied to yourself. We've all had those moments in our life where we've worked hard to persuade ourselves against the truth, and once that's done, we turn to persuading those around us. We convince ourselves that we're happy in a dead end job, or we accept failure as a rule of existence and then live our public life with that acceptance.

So where is the lesson that we can take from these men. Personally, its one that I have found has been the key to the happiness I've found in my life in the last few years. Don't lie to yourself. Accept yourself for who you are and what you can do. Build from that base, and only then can you improve yourself. When you live on a base of lies, eventually that will crumble.  

Looking at Manti Te'o's story, it becomes hard to believe he didn't know his "girlfriend" wasn't real. But, its a slippery slope when we start to lie to ourselves, ignoring the glaring truths. I started this blog as a tool to help myself be accountable. As a younger man, I would have just written what I thought would make me look good. If I skipped a run, I'd make up a story about having done a few miles. But all lies crumble in the end. You can't run a half marathon on a training log full of lies. Just like Lance Armstrong couldn't build a legacy as a great man on a pile of lies. It negates much of the good will he's built.

Go Big or Go Home!

A sane person would look at their life, decide what changes they want to make in it and then plan those changes so that they build on each other to ensure success. I've never claimed sanity. Instead, I've recently piled on a bunch of things that are all hitting at the same time. The upside ... by next summer they'll all be complete (mostly) and life will return to normal (somewhat). Downside ... I'm exhausting myself for the next couple of months and building some nice potential stress levels at the same time.

Look at that face!!

As most of you know, I'm training for my first half marathon which is 6 weeks from today. I'm running more than ever and having to get up pretty early on the weekdays that I do run. Now, a sane person would make sure that they are getting to sleep early each night to ensure enough sleep time. But in a completely unrelated life decision, my wife and I brought home a new puppy 3 weeks ago. Now, I love this puppy. She's adorable and super smart already. On top of that, she's giving our 3 yr old dog a run for his money and I swear he's behaving better with the little one around. But, if you know anything about puppies, you know that they require constant attention, including walks in the middle of the night. So now instead of getting a full night sleep each night, I'm up every 3 - 4 hours with our sweet little newcomer.

This has all made it that much more difficult for me to pop out of bed and hit my training hard in the mornings. So far, I've only missed one run and that was on New Years after a bit too much partying NYE. I made myself late for work one day too, but next week as the girls go back to school, I'm going to have to get up far earlier to get everything out of the way and get to work on time. At least its only 6 weeks until the race.

Of course, that is only really impacting me. On top of this stuff, my wife and I just signed a contract to build a new home for our family. So I get to spend the next 5 months stressing over design decisions, and the weather, and financing and packing and moving and... well you get the picture. I can't complain as I'm super excited to have the chance to get a home like this, where I'll have a basement and one day finally build my man cave. But it comes at a cost, for sure. That cost could be what remains of my sanity, if any remains.

Someday I'll own this dirt

On top of all this, I have a couple of non work projects that I've been mulling around in my brain for a while now. Its always been hard for me to keep an idea for a long time. If I don't pull the trigger when I'm ready, then they tend to fade away. So I'm trying to keep them simmering while I get through the first half of this year. I might bring in some partners or just delay and let Evernote hold the thoughts for me for a while.

So, if I seem a little nutty over the next few months, please understand why.

2012 In Review

Once again, its time for a look back and a look forward post. Since today just happens to be 1/1/13, seems like a good time for it. This year has been a pretty good one for my family and I. While I didn't hit all of the goals I set out for myself for the year, I did continue to make progress in most aspects of my life and feel that I've set myself up nicely for what is to come.

My two major goals for the year were to lose 50 more pounds and to increase my running. I wanted to run 500 miles, with a stretch goal of 700. I went .500 on these. Fitness wise I feel that I've come a very long way this year and I'm really happy with what I've accomplished. On 12/31/11, I ran my very first 5 mile run. I was ecstatic at the time but I also knew that it was something that I wanted to make a normal occurrence. I set a goal for the first half of they ear to get up to 15 miles a week and to run the Peachtree Road Race.

Our Victorious Relay Team!

I ran 5 miles or more 25 times this year and maxed out at 8 miles. I ran 4 10K races including the Peachtree and also a leg in the Atlanta Marathon Relay. I ended the year with 501 miles total. I could not be happier about the progress that I made in running this year. I'm well on my way in my half marathon training and know that the progress will continue. There were struggles and periods of the year where I wasn't progressing like I hoped to, but I'm glad that I was able to buckle down in the last part of the year and really get myself moving. There was only one week of the whole year where I posted 0 miles.

As for my other goal, the weight loss just didn't happen. I can come up with a lot of reasons why, but they are all excuses. My decision making when it comes to nutrition was nowhere close to where it needs to be. 2011 was a great year for weight loss, 2012 not so much. So I'm going to repost that goal. My wife and I have been talking about ways we can encourage each other and we have some ideas on how we can make better food decisions this year. It still is the hardest thing for us to achieve, but we're going to continue the fight.

Some other areas that I feel went well in 2012. I connected with a fantastic community of runners on Twitter through #runchat. I changed from being a Twitter lurker, looking for stories about cycling and football, to being an active participant. Social media is about conversations and it becomes much more fulfilling when you are involved in those conversations. I've been thinking a lot about ways to use social media to help my own motivation and accountability. I'm still churning around some ideas in my head, but hope to solidify some plans for that shortly.

On the whole, this year I felt much more creative in my thinking. It may sound trite, but I do credit a lot of that to the time I have to think while I'm running. Ideas at work and outside of work have really crystallized for me. Most have not seen their way to execution yet, but I plan to be able to share them with the world in the coming months.

The year ahead is going to be packed with big things for the family and I, including 40th birthday's for my wife and I, a new home for our family and continuing to grow and nurture our little family. I look forward to sharing as much of it as I can on this blog. I want to thank those of you who read and support me, especially those who aren't family members. I wish you all a happy and healthy 2013, may we all live well and prosper.

Fitness Process and Goals

So a number of weeks ago I wrote a post on Process, Systems and Goals and promised to discuss some of the things I've been using in my life. Today I'm sharing the first of those posts. In keeping with the recent theme of the blog I'll start with my fitness and health.

I'm not going to go to deep into my personal situation, as I've covered that already. I'm going to share what I try to do each day to control the two important aspects of wellness for me, nutrition and exercise.

On the nutrition front, I've lost almost 60 pounds over the last 18 months by making some fundamental changes in what I eat and when I eat it. Now, I'll be totally honest and tell you that this is one area where I continually struggle. I am not always (hardly ever) 100% faithful to the process, but when I am I know it works. The process itself is fairly simple in theory. Eat less calories than you burn, eat often enough that you never get overly hungry and avoid poisons such as sugar and processed foods.

The best way to do this is to use some sort of nutrition diary. When I first started I used the Livestrong website, but I've since switched to MyFitnessPal for tracking what I eat. Its important to track everything you put in your mouth when you are starting out because most people fail for lack of knowledge as much as for lack of effort. I find that I do best when I eat 5 times a day. A mid morning snack helps me from being too hungry at lunch time. A late afternoon snack helps me from being too hungry at dinner time. Why is that important? Because when I get too hungry, that's when I make bad eating decisions. The key to good nutrition is making good decisions each and every time you're faced with the question of what to eat. I found that for me, making the right decision is a lot easier when I'm not overly hungry.

So my key nutrition points

• Avoid sugars and processed foods
• Eat 5 times a day
• Be aware of the value of everything you put in your mouth

Now the other half of the equation is exercise. Motivation and accountability are always the parts that I've struggled with when it comes to exercise. When I was a kid involved in sports, those things were easy, because playing soccer or basketball was fun and you had practice every day after school so you were always in shape. As an adult, it wasn't as easy.

For motivation I found myself a goal. At first it was to run a 5K race. At the moment my goal is a half marathon. The goal gives you that lingering thought at the back of your mind to incent you to get out of bed, to lace up your shoes and get moving. In addition, I made my goal public. By announcing it to friends and family I knew they'd be asking me about it and it gave me even more motivation to keep at it. Nobody likes to explain why they didn't reach a goal that they've announced.

I took the accountability step one further and started this blog. At first I wrote about all of my workouts and tried to believe that people actually read it. I joined some online communities that turned out to be very supportive. Its great to find other people who have gone through the same struggles you are, who can help provide support and understanding. I joined the community at Runnersworld.com and then later found a Twitter group called #runchat. Through these two groups I found a lot of great support and advice to help me maintain my motivation and achieve success.

Finally, I use a system to track my progress. There are several websites that provide this type of tracking. Dailymile.com and strava.com are two I use regularly. They take the data off of my gps watch allow me to track it and share it with my friends. I can look back at previous performances and set long term goals, such as the goal I'm about to achieve, to run 500 miles in 2012.

My key exercise points

• set a goal for motivation
• share your goal with others for accountability and support
• track your progress
• Have Fun!

I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go in these areas, but following these points have really helped me make a ton of progress over the last year and a half.

Tryptophan 10K Race Report

This year my family decided to not travel anywhere for Thanksgiving and instead to stay home and enjoy some time together. I had some vacation days to burn at work, so I took the full week off and we had a little "staycation." Earlier in the year the local running store announced they'd be hosting a half marathon on Thanksgiving morning. In my planning it fleetingly entered my mind but I realized that would be too soon for me, but when I heard a few weeks ago that they'd added a 10K to the days plans, I knew that was a race for me. The fact that it was just a few miles from home was perfect for me. Apparently I wasn't the only one, as there was a really good turnout for this race. There were over 300 people in the half, 164 in the 10K and almost 1000 who were running the 5K. They even had a little expo on Wednesday with packet pick up and a bunch of vendors. From my point of view, it was quite a success. 

My family was debating on whether or not to attend, but in the end the lure of the Macy's parade on the TV was more interesting than sweaty people down the street and I can't say that I blame them. I did take the girls to the packet pick up and they had fun looking at all the funny running stuff. I struggled a bit deciding what I was going to wear for the race, as the weather was in that in between zone of the mid 40's but I settled on short sleeves with a compression undershirt, my hat and gloves. It was the right choice, though I may even have been able to go without the undershirt. I took my gloves off around mile 4 and stuffed them in my pocket.

My training for the last few weeks has been going well, mostly because I've slowed myself down and not tried to push my pace at all. I ran 6 miles last saturday at a pace of around 13 minutes per mile and I didn't really have any goals in this race other than to go the distance without putting myself into any great difficulty. As this is the beginning of my 12 week plan to prep for a half marathon, I feared that a hard 10K experience wouldn't be very helpful at this point, so my goal was to take it easy, enjoy the distance and to finish before the first half marathoner.

With this in mind I lined up with the rest of the runners at the start. The half and 10K started at the same time, but we started about a half mile up the road from them, which I think was probably annoying for the faster half marathoners but I enjoyed seeing them run by me. I lined up in the middle of the pack, but stayed to the side and most people moved past me within the first half mile. I kept my pace comfortable and tried to calm my competitive mind. I found myself at the back of the pack and shortly before the first mile I heard some really fast footsteps coming from behind me. 

For the next two miles I worked on trying to stay comfortable and not push myself, tempering my pace by my breathing and occasional glances at my watch (which I realized I forgot to start about 2 minutes into the race, so I didn't have a reliable time). I was trying to stay around 12:30, not pushing too hard up hills to maintain energy. More and more half marathoners were passing me, including my super fast friend Natalie, my twitter friend Jennifer (who somehow recognized me from behind) and others I recognized from my weekly runs on the greenway. I walked a few steps through the water stop at mile 2 and soon started to see the other 10K runners heading back after the turn around. 

We turned around and headed back and it was nice to be free of the half marathoners passing me. I was feeling pretty good and I started to look ahead of me for people to aim at. The next mile and a half I was trying to stay around 12 minutes but I let myself go a little bit down the hills. It was all about maintaining and I was feeling really good, but I've felt good at 4 miles before so I knew it could still come off the rails. Then we came upon the 5K runners. Oh wow, were there a lot of them. I went from running alone chasing someone 100ft in front of me to being surrounded by people, all of whom were running just a little bit faster than me. I thought to myself, don't get sucked into running too fast and burning out, as there's still a mile and a half to go. I wished I had a sign that said "hey, I'm running twice as far as you!" but I just kept my pace.  I did pick it up a bit, but made sure to monitor my breathing and noticed after a quarter mile or so I was about 11:30 and feeling pretty good. Looking back, I think it did help me to have all that company as I think I paced a little more quickly than I would have without it.

About a half mile from the end we split back out again from the 5K runners and I started pushing. There were two people ahead of me that I wanted to catch. In the end, I caught one but not the other but I felt strong enough to really push hard the last quarter mile. I ran past my neighbor Romeo just before the last turn and that gave me a nice burst and I looked up to see the clock at 1:12 and change as I crossed the line. I stopped my watch as I came across the line and took stock of my feelings. I knew my PR was 1:12:48 from the Buford race in June, and I felt right away that I was feeling better than I had after that race. I walked around a bit, grabbed a water and a banana and reflected. This was the first 10K that I felt good after the finish, physically I mean. I recovered quickly and never felt light headed or overly winded. 

I walked back up to the corner to stand with my friends and watch the first half marathoners come in. The winner crossed in 1:17, so I barely made my goal of beating him. His wife Natalie, who is super fast, won her age group in 1:33, a PR for her. I ran back to the car to get my jacket and stayed around to cheer for the next hour or so, watching tons of people conquer a distance that a year ago I never though I could do, but in 12 short week, I'll be running myself. My twitter friend Jennifer finished in 1:57, which I found out later was her first sub-2 hour half, which is awesome. 

All in all, I felt really great after this race. 10K has always been a humbling distance for me, and finishing 152 out of 164 isn't exactly awe inspiring, but I did set my PR by 15 seconds, with an official time of 1:12:33. I plug that into the McMillan race calculator and it says my half time equivalent would be 2:41, which will be just fine with me. I'm feeling strong and I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do in the next 3 months.

Processes, Systems and Goals

A lot of the work that I do in my day to day revolves around processes and systems. How do we manage customer cases more efficiently, to get them to the right engineer with the right skill set in the least amount of time? How do I measure my team's performance? How do we make sure all the various stakeholders in a given situation receive the proper information that is important to them and get it to them quickly? I could list a hundred more challenges that we have created processes to solve. By creating a process, you can ensure that you are able to repeatedly conquer the same challenge and focus your efforts on the important work that needs to be done.

The key, however is not the process but the specific goal. Blasting an email to the entire company list would achieve a broad goal of communicating information. Without the focus on the specific, getting the right information to the right people without distracting people with unneeded noise, the odds of this process being successful is very slim. At Citrix, from the top down we are very good at setting a goal and then adjusting our process to meet it. This type of thinking does not have to be limited to your work life.

It sounds cold and analytical, but setting goals and processes in our personal lives can actually be very freeing and motivating. Over the past few years, when I've set specific goals for myself invariably things in that area of my life have improved. Any reader of this blog is well aware of my fitness goals and the running that I've done. I set a goal, devise a plan, gather data and track metrics, then adjust my process to target my goals. I've tried to tackle my personal finances, my weight loss and even career and education with in the same manner.

I'm certainly not conceited enough to think that I've been 100% successful in everything or that my way is the right way. I certainly wish I'd figured this out in my early twenties and not in my late thirties, but since I don't have a flux capacitor, I can't go back in time. I steal ideas from others all the time. I believe in art that is called inspiration. But for the most part in the last few years I've been able to pull things together fairly well. In the next few weeks I'm going to do some posts that talk about what I've done in each specific area of my life and hopefully someone out there can steal some of my stolen ideas to help themselves.

If anyone has any requests or suggestions, drop me a note, I'd be happy to hear them.

Atlanta Marathon Relay

After putting together a group to run in the Peachtree, I found out about the Atlanta Marathon Relay and thought it would be fun to put together a team. When I put out a call for volunteers, I got 8 responses, so we made two teams. We made up some cool t-shirts and had a couple of group runs to get everyone in the mood. Finally, it was race day.

The race is presented by the Atlanta Track Club and they are very organized. There were 4 legs, though they were not all the same length. The course is a loop of the city, starting at Atlantic Station and going counter clockwise, hitting most of the major sites around the city. I ran the first leg which was 5.5 miles through Georgia Tech and past Centennial Park, the Aquarium, World of Coca Cola, Phillips Arena, CNN and the Georgia Dome. It was a pretty cool leg, though there was about about 300 feet of climbing with a net gain of over 120 feet.

The weather was pretty great for running, in the high 40's at the start with a slight breeze. We car pooled down to the start and arrived about 5:30 for the 7am start. The people taking the later legs took buses out to the exchange points and the bus for the first exchange left at 6, so the timing was good. I ended up running in my short sleeves with gloves and my visor. I checked pants, a long sleeve T and jacket for after the race and kept a long sleeve T with me that I ditched at the start. I'm pretty happy with my clothing choice as I felt comfortable the whole run.

I headed over to the start and tried to stay as warm as possible until the gun. My plan for this race was to start slowly. I knew there were going to be hills and I didn't want to burn out too early. I knew the guy running the first leg for the other team was faster than I am, but I also knew that our second leg guy was the fastest of us all, so I wanted to stay close enough so he could pass the other team during his leg.

This race was awesome for an entirely different reason than the Peachtree. The Peachtree was full of energy and I talked a lot to the runners around me. This race was quietly inspiring. Here I was running 5.5 miles and I was surrounded by folks who were going 26.2. I was just grateful to be out there. I paced by effort up the hills, walked at the top of a couple of the longer ones and took advantage of the downhills when I could. The first half mile was difficult, probably because I didn't warm up, I had a lot of nervous energy, but once I got up the first hill I had a sense that this was going to be my day. I can't say that I was blazing fast, but I was strong and never once felt out classed by the course.

When checking out the race map on Friday, I noticed that I was going to run a small portion on Baker St. I thought this was pretty cool. Baker St. in Atlanta is right by the Aquarium and Centennial Park. When I turned left on to the street I was pretty pumped. After the turn, I was even more pumped. The whole 2 block stretch of Baker Street was downhill! This was probably about 3 miles in and I opened it up and flew down that quarter mile stretch. Man that felt good. Of course, in this race what goes down must come up, so I slowed again as soon as we turned back to find another uphill stretch past CNN and Philips Arena. Just before mile 5 I looked off to my right to see the sun rising in the East. Unfortunately there wasn't much more sign of the sun the rest of the day, but that was a pretty moment.

Soon, I saw the yellow flag and heard the commotion of the transition point. I saw my team mate, slapped the wristband on him and it was done. I was probably about 30 seconds late stopping my Garmin, but whatever. I'd done it. I got one of those fancy foil blankets, a banana and of course my medal! They bussed us back to the start/finish area and my work was done. Fortunately I had packed some warm clothes to put on, because as comfortable as I was while running was as cold as I felt when I was done.

I changed and made it to the finish line in time to see the marathon winner come through at 2:23, just an amazing time on that course. As the runners from each leg made it back we talked about our stories and our runs. The only negative was that for them, waiting around for their race start was a very cold experience. I was lucky to have done the first leg. In the end, my team won our little internal race by 2 minutes. Everyone had a great time and it looks like our Peachtree group is going to be at least a dozen for next year.

I'm in awe of people who can run 26.2 miles, I really am. At this point, its hard for me to imagine that I'd ever want to put in that effort. On the other hand, the dominating thought in my mind after finishing today is that I cannot wait to do my half marathon. I know this journey is going to be difficult, but I'm amped to get into it.

Race moments

• In the first quarter mile there was a man standing on a corner with one of those big Swiss cowbells hanging on a leather strap, ringing and ringing. As I passed him, I heard a shout from the apartment building behind him, "Stop that F'ing Bell!!! I'm going to call the cops!" Pretty funny, but I'm sure Id be pretty pissed at 7am on a Sunday morning too.
• Favorite sign "I thought they said Rum!"
• Coming down Baker St. I saw a race photographer aiming at me. I flashed a smile and the rock n' roll horns, I hope that picture comes out good!
• As we were waiting for the first woman finisher a woman came running down the chute. They put up the tape and were cheering her in when they suddenly realized that she was part of a relay team and not the women's marathon winner.  Lucky for her they noticed too late and she got to run through the tape like a Kenyan!

Lily's Run 5K Race Report

Today was a pretty moving day and while I didn't have the best race physically it always feels good to be around inspiring people. This is the fourth year they've held this race to benefit a group called Kingdom Kids which helps provide relief to the families of children fighting cancer by fulfilling a wish for them. The race started for Lily Anderson, who is now 11 and still fighting this terrible disease, but also benefits several of the kids supported by the organization. Their stories are inspiring and heartbreaking. The courage of a little girl to face such unimaginable difficulty makes our regular every day challenges pale in comparison. The fact that suffering like that has to exist in the world breaks my heart. I ran this race last year and was certain that I'd do it again this year.

The race itself has moved to a new venue, one which I have run in the past and I know is quite difficult. Worse yet was the 1pm start, which isn't my best time for peak performance and add the fact that I ate a terrible breakfast, my mind was already in the wrong place to do well today. I'd decided I would just go do what I can and enjoy the day, especially since my girls were going to run the mile fun run as their first race ever. They were super excited and that wore off on me.

I started too fast as much of the first mile is downhill and completed the first mile in about 11 minutes. I was hurting already and knew the rest would be tough.  There's a long uphill stretch in the second mile and I walked about half of that hill. Fortunately the race turned around at the top of that hill and I was able to roll a bit down the hill on the way back. I just tried to maintain a steady pace around 12 minutes when I was running. At this point I was passing a lot of people who went out fast and were walking, so at least I had that going for me.

Mile 3 went a little better and I walked a couple steep inclines but made sure to run in between. There was one guy who was walking and started to run a bit as I passed him in the last quarter mile. I was afraid he was going to try to pass me so I gave it my all, helped by the downhill to the finish and came across the line about 37:45. Nowhere close to my fastest time and honestly not one that I'm proud of, but I put in the effort and made it around.

Afterwards there was a one mile fun run. I asked the girls if they wanted me to run with them, but they said they wanted to do it themselves. "I want to be a brave big girl," one told me. So they headed out on a loop around the school where the race was while my wife worried about them. At the word go, one started out like a rocket, running fast with some of the other kids off the front while the other loped along at a steady pace. By the time they'd come around the other side where we could see them again, they were both walking. The fast one started running again as soon as she could see me though. As they reached us we told them that they had to go around one more lap and she asked if I'd run it with her. So I took off with them both. My "fast" daughter was about 50 yards ahead of the "slow" one, who just wanted to walk more. I tried to stay in the middle of the two of them and whenever I got close to the front one, she'd turn around, see me catching up and take off. It was pretty funny. She kept turning around and taunting me, which raised a few laughs from some of the people around us.

They both finished running, which was great and both told me separately later that they had fun. Overall it was a great race. Even being disappointed in my own performance, it felt great to come out to support some great kids who need our help.

Cycling, Doping and Lance Revisited

A year and a half ago I started this blog with a post I felt very passionate about writing. I think it was around the time of Tyler Hamilton's appearance on 60 Minutes and the cracks in the wall around Lance Armstrong's reality were beginning to form. In that post I argued that the cycling world would be better served if all those of that era would just tell the truth, confess to what they did and let today's riders move on without that spectre hanging over them.

This week, the USADA released its evidence and argument in its case that Lance Armstrong and others surrounding him engaged in systemic cheating. No less than 11 of his former teammates signed affidavits telling the story of the doping they did, how many of them knew of or witnessed Lance's cheating and the reasons behind their decisions.

So now I have my wish, most of the riders that I respected have come clean about what was going in in their era. All except for one, of course, Lance. Is it within the realm of possibility that he didn't cheat? Yes, but that would mean that over a dozen people have decided to lie under oath about being dopers in order to be vindictive to the man who made it all possible for them to earn the wages they've earned over the past 15 years. No, as I've said before, its impossible to believe that there was no cheating going on.

In the end though, its not the doping that is the most disturbing part of the stories I read. Everyone was doping. Lance needed to dope to stay in the race. Lance did it better than anyone else around and beat them at their own game. Fine, I can accept that. What really bothers me are the stories of bullying, of intimidation, of careers ruined for daring to make a decision different than that of Mr. Armstrong. Anyone who left his cadre through the years tells similar stories of threats, explicit or veiled. We've all seen Lance ride up the road to chase down a break with a rider who dared to say something about him or his Dr. in the press. Levi Leipheimer tells of his wife receiving threatening text messages from Lance after testifying to the Grand Jury initially investigating this case.

I can forgive doping. I can't forgive being a jerk. Yes, he's done a lot of good things for the cancer community. His positive impact on the sport of cycling means that people actually care about this stuff. But an asshole who does some good things is still an asshole. If you're going to think that your version of the truth is important enough to destroy other people, then you are an asshole.

I'm glad that this story broke after the cycling season ended and I hope that next year once the Giro and the Tour roll around that people pay attention. There are some fantastic young riders from the US who are out there making a difference. Taylor Phinney and Tejay van Garderen did fantastic things this year and bring hope that majesty of the sport of cycling will continue long after the smoke of doping dissipates. 

Consistency

This has been a tough week of training for me. After last Saturday's run I felt so good that I immediately signed up for the half marathon. Of course you all know that was my plan, but it was just one of those powerful moments. However, from there things got a little rocky. I did get my 3 miles in on Monday, but they started rough and were difficult to get through. Now, Wednesday was Yom Kippur, so I didn't plan on running but I came up with an alternate plan of running on Tuesday instead. Here's where things went awry. I woke up late on Tuesday and decided not to run. Then Wednesday I was weighing whether I should run, then Thursday and finally I got back on my schedule on Friday. Now, I'd really only skipped one run, but I made it feel like three by changing my mind again and again.

What I've learned over the years, for me its important to be consistent, to make a schedule and to keep it, otherwise it becomes difficult for me to start again. Now missing one run isn't a deal breaker by any means, but the more I can string together, the better off I am. There is a productivity technique that is supposedly credited to Jerry Seinfeld called "Don't Break the Chain." The premise is simple enough. Jerry was asked how does one write good jokes. He answered that to write good jokes, one has to write a lot of jokes, to practice. To practice, one has to write a again and again, so he came up with a method where he would mark an X on a calendar every day that he wrote jokes. Soon, as his calendar started filling up with X's, it looked like a chain, so if he skipped a day it would break the chain. So, by making sure he wrote jokes every day, he would never break the chain.

To get good at anything, you need to practice, to be consistent and to not break the chain. Nobody is perfect. I certainly know I am not, please see first paragraph for proof. So what do you do if you break the chain?  Start another one.

So on Friday I started another chain. I ran 2.5 miles Friday, 5 miles on Saturday and today I went out for a little over 3 miles with half of it through a trail. Now, I'm not planning on running everyday, but it sure feels good to be able to without killing myself.